Afternoons

During the afternoon I often think. I mean the anxiety driven, it’s 12 and the house is still a disaster because I decided to purge my house on a Tuesday, type of thinking. Ocpd(clean freak, mild), depression, anxiety, and a house full of people and animals. My life is definitely stressful. I like to just sit and let the thoughts flow. It’s when my most personal realizations come out. Why I don’t like myself and why I’m going through all these emotions and feelings I can’t explain. An internal storm raging. I’ve been through this everyday for the last 2 years. Seeing all these things in myself that disgust me. Seeing all the negative. That’s what I was always taught, to find the worst part. I saw my mom do it. My sister. My brother. Everyone around me just finds the negative in life while dismissing the blessings. In the beginning, I would think, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I make friends? Why doesn’t my family like me? Something started to change. The thoughts became different. I started questioning lots of things. I slowly started cutting people out of my life. Family members who rarely speak to me even though they are on my Facebook. Old friends from past chapters. Anyone who spewed toxic waste online or in person. My circle is small. My husband and kids. They are the ones who have opened my eyes to love. They know most of my flaws but they still love me. I started taking better care of myself. Shower everyday. Get dressed. I know, sounds so small to some people. But self love, it isn’t something everyone knows. Since becoming a mom, I have learned so much. Having four young daughters to influence, I started seeing that I was affecting them negatively. I was pushing them into the same dark hole I was in. It was then I decided my afternoons would be full of counting my blessings and building myself up. I’ve decided to share these thoughts because life is a learning experience. I want to help others who may be feeling worthless. Like they don’t matter. I am not perfect but I am under construction 🚧🏗️